


wash all the pain away

by hunterishere



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Ned Vizinni
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Established Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Trans Character, Trans Jeremy Heere, Trans Male Character, not me projecting, wrote this instead of doing homework
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29502231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunterishere/pseuds/hunterishere
Summary: Jeremy is struggling bad with the voices in his head, badly enough that he doesn't even tell his partner Michael. Luckily, Michael is loving and understanding and does everything he can for his beautiful boy.There's not a ton of storyline, just the hurt/comfort I wish I had in my life. Jeremy is just a big projection of me and how I feel right now and what I wish would happen.TW: description of anxiety, depression, and dysphoria.
Relationships: Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	wash all the pain away

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I didn't even proof read or edit which is super weird for me, especially since my keyboard is janky, but I just wanna get this out there I think :/ Hope it's not too horrible to read. There's a shower scene but it's completely sfw, my boy just needs some help :(

Jeremy's phone buzzed for the millionth time. He ignored it. He ignored the way the vibrations seemed to electrify his chest, worsening the deep seated pain that had been festering and rotting there for as long as he could remember. He ignored the empty feeling in his stomach, as if his soul had been carved out with a knife. What else was he supposed to do? There was no way to fix it, he had tried.  
Jeremy tightened around himself, holding his stuffed bear closer to himself than he thought possible. He tangled the sheets around himself in so many knots he wondered if he would be able to extract himself eventually. He hoped not. He wanted to stay there, drifting in and out of sleep until he became one with the mold in the cups scattered around his room. Unfortunately, his phone had different plans, because it vibrated once again, keeping Jeremy awake and aware. The truth was that Jeremy wanted to be anything but aware. The world felt sharp and harsh and all Jeremy wanted was to fade away. He found himself silently pleading for the pain to stop, praying to whoever might listen. He wanted to be ok. 

Michael didn’t like summer break. Most kids are ecstatic to have school off for the warmer months, allowing beach vacations and seniors-only parties. Michael didn’t like parties. Michael didn’t even like the beach. To him, summer break was a punishment. It kept him away from people he tentatively called acquaintances at school, it kept him from playing scribblio on the dinosaur computers in the library, it kept him from the lighting booth in their dusty old auditorium, and most importantly it kept him away from Jeremy.   
There’s nothing quite like getting to see your wonderful partner every single day at school. It made junior year bearable to say the least. Michael missed Jeremy’s long limbs hooking around his own under desks in class, and Jeremy’s freckled face resting on his shoulder. He missed a lot of things about Jeremy. Maybe if Michael didn’t have a stupid summer job he would get to see Jeremy more often, and he wouldn’t feel so lonely. People in relationships have no right to feel lonely in Michael’s opinion, and yet, there he was.   
As Michael threw on his dairy queen uniform, he shot his partner a text. “Hey nerd <3 i miss you. Is it ok if i swing by after work?” It was about 11 in the morning, and Jeremy could very believably still be asleep, so Michael didn’t wait up on a response. Instead he threw his belongings into his bag (still marked “RIENDS”, now with hearts drawn around the letters in Jeremy’s wobbly handwriting), and headed to his shitty minimum wage job. When he arrived, before clocking in, he checked his phone one last time. When he found his messages empty, he sent a last poke to Jeremy, reading “I get off at 4, let me know, ok?”.

The hours crawled by like freshman in gym class. Every passing minute Jeremy was sure he felt worse and worse. By the end of the day he would almost certainly have aged forty years. He didn’t bother checking his phone, it would only remind him that some people were celebrating their summer vacation while Jeremy gave his youth to this horrible anxiety. It would remind him that some boys' voices were naturally deep, and some boys’ chests were naturally flat. He didn’t care to see his popular peers hanging out with each other, leaving Jeremy uninvited. A part of him knew it was important to message his partner, not only to communicate his feelings but also just to make sure Michael felt loved. But that part of him was small, and a larger part of him was screaming that Michael didn’t need to be distracted by Jeremy’s problems while he’s at work. So Jeremy continued to hold his bear against his chest like a child, and close his eyes against the world.

Dairy queen was busy, it was a Saturday in the middle of June. There was no convenient time for Michael to take his lunch break, so he didn’t. When he finally clocked off it was 4:15, and he worried that he had left Jeremy waiting. Tossing his bag haphazardly in the cruiser, Michael hastily pulled out his phone to text his partner. His fingers stilled when he realized his messages from the morning still hadn’t even been opened.   
Michael decided a phone call would be a better idea, there was no way for Jeremy to ignore and then forget about it. He lifted the phone to his ear and let it ring once, twice, five times, ten, until it finally went to voicemail.   
“Hey baby, I’m on my way over now,” Michael started nervously. “I hope you’re okay… you haven’t been responding today… Anyways remember your dad gave me a spare key, so don’t be surprised when I let myself in. I love you.”

There was a knock at Jeremy’s door. He pulled the blanket over his head and groaned. He did not have the energy to humor his dad today. But then the knock came again, and Jeremy’s dad never knocked twice. The door creaked open slowly, and the mattress sunk next to him. He knew it had to be Michael, but the thought of a murderer coming to take Jeremy out of his misery briefly crossed his mind.He heard his phone being picked up and placed back on the bedside table. Great, Jeremy thought, I got Michael all worried. Jeremy curled into an even tighter, smaller ball.  
“Is there a Jeremy somewhere under all that blanket?” Michael joked. Jeremy groaned slightly louder, just to assure Michael he wasn’t dead. Jeremy didn’t miss the concern in his voice. He hated that he made Michael feel anything other than loved.  
“Can I see your handsome face, please?” Jeremy appreciated that Michael was trying to keep the tone lighthearted. Quietly, Jermey managed to croak “No.” Michael chuckled softly before moving the blanket himself. Michael places a kiss on Jeremy’s temple before shifting himself in order to hold Jeremy from behind.  
“Are you okay?” Michael asked. Jeremy didn’t answer, he didn’t feel like talking. Although, the weight of Michael’s arms around his core admittedly made him feel better. Maybe he could be coaxed out of his depression ball after all.  
The pair laid there for a while, syncing with each other's breathing. Michael was wearing his soft hoodie, and he smelled like sprinkles, and he came all the way there just to hold Jeremy. Michaels fingers were running through Jeremy’s greasy hair. Jeremy almost fell back asleep.  
“As much as I’d love to nap with you, Jer,” Michael started, “something tells me you’ve been sleeping all day.” Jeremy stayed silent once again.  
“What happened baby boy?” he finally asked. Jeremy groaned for what must’ve been the thousandth time and shifted away from Michael.  
“Nothing happened,” Jeremy answered without opening his eyes, “I just-” he pulled the bear closer to his chest. “I don’t know it just hurts and I-” Jeremy’s voice broke. Michael brought himself closer to where Jeremy was now and hugged him (as best he could, it was quite an awkward angle).  
“I know,” Michael assured. “I know, baby. It’s ok.” It broke Michael’s heart directly in half to see Jeremy like this.  
“But it’s not,” Jeremy said, turning around and burying his face in Michael’s chest. “It’s not okay because it hurts and it won’t stop, and I probably ruined your whole day and I just-”  
“Hey, hey, hey,” Michael interrupted. “Dairy Queen ruined my day, not you. I’ve been looking forward to seeing you since I woke up this morning. Before that even.”  
“Then I disappointed you by being a mess when you got here when we should be spending quality time-”  
“You have never disappointed me, Jeremiah. Not once.” The room stayed quiet for a moment. In a small, weak, high pitched voice that Jeremy hated, he said “Promise?”  
“Pinky promise,” Michael said confidently. Jeremy looked up at him with watery eyes and held his pinky finger out in front of him. Michael hooked it into his own, never breaking eye contact. They stared at each other for a moment after dropping their hands, soaking in each other's beauty.  
“I feel… gross,” Jeremy said, shrinking back into himself.  
“When’s the last time you showered?” Michael asked.  
“That’s not really what I meant-” Jeremy started.  
“I know,” Michael began running his fingers through Jeremy’s hair again, “I know what you meant. But showering is important. So, when’s the last time you showered?”  
“I… I don’t know. I don’t remember.”  
“Then it’s probably time again, isn’t it?”  
“Mike you don’t…” Jeremy found himself at a loss for words. You don’t have to take care of me, you don’t have to worry, you don’t have to lie to me, you don’t have to come all the way here. When it became clear that Jeremy had trailed off, Michael said “Let me take care of you.”

When Michael finally coaxed Jeremy out of bed, they walked together to the bathroom. Not wanting to cross any boundaries, Michael asked “Do you want me to wait outside?” Jeremy’s eyes stayed glued to the floor, but he answered “Michael, you’ve seen me naked before.”  
“I know. But this isn’t the same.”  
“Well… stay. Please.” Jeremy said it like he was ashamed.  
Jeremey reluctantly started shedding clothes while Michael turned on the water.  
“Baby, how long have you been wearing that?” Michael asked, referring to Jeremy’s binder. Jeremy didn’t answer, just stared at himself in the mirror. Michael knew that meant too long, but didn’t chastise Jeremy about it.  
“Do you want help?” Michael asked. Jeremy nodded. There was no doubt that Jeremy was uncomfortable, but he was glad Michael was here anyway. He did smell bad. And his chest did hurt. And he missed his partner.

Michael sat on the cold bathroom tile while Jeremy stood behind the curtain. He wanted to be strong for Michael. He wanted to be a normal guy who was capable of taking a goddamn shower. The water ran down Jeremy’s body, taunting him in his frozen state.   
“I can’t…” Jeremy muttered, frustration clear in his voice.  
“Is everything ok?” Michael asked.  
“I can’t fucking… Ugh,” Jeremy held his head in his hands.  
“Do you want help?” Michael offered.  
“I’m not a toddler, I can wash myself,” Jeremy hated how pathetic he sounded.  
“I didn’t say you were a toddler,” Michael said calmly, “You’re right. Fully capable adult people need help sometimes too. Do you need help?” Jeremy sighed.  
“...Yes, please,” He said.   
By the time Michael had undressed and entered the shower, Jeremy had given up on standing and sat hugging his knees on the floor of the shower. Michael, god bless him, didn’t say anything judgmental or rude. All he said was “Is the water colder down there?” Jeremy nodded. Michael turned the temperature up.  
All in all, it was actually quite nice. Jeremy sat under the water with his eyes closed as Michael massaged shampoo into his hair, followed by conditioner. Michael scrubbed Jeremy back, and handed Jeremy the soap to do the rest. And God Jeremy loved him. Jeremy loved him so much. Jeremy loved him so much he thought he might die.  
Michael joined Jeremy on the ground, arms wrapping around Jeremy’s waist.   
“You know I love you right?” Michael asked.  
“Why are you so good to me?” Jeremy said. It wasn’t so much a response as a change of subject.  
“Because you deserve it,” Michael answered. Jeremy squirmed uncomfortably, but didn’t try to disagree. Baby steps.  
“Is it ok if I turn the water off?” Michael nudged. Jeremy nodded. Despite sleeping all day, he was bone tired.  
Michael dried Jeremy off before himself, yet another act of selflessness. He was getting really good at those. Jeremy thought about how he might make it up to him later, when he wasn’t feeling quite so awful. These were the thoughts occupying Jeremy’s mind as he picked up his binder, thoughts of Michael and kindness and love. He didn’t even think about slipping the binder back over his head. But Michael did.  
“You should really leave it off for a while baby,” Michael said.   
“I…” Jeremy wasn’t sure he could do that. Michael knew how hard it was for Jeremy to go without it.  
“You can put it on again later, if you still want. But you’re all damp and it’ll be hard to get on anyway. And I really like your ribs intact.” Jeremy put the binder down, but stood silently, half-dressed and uncomfortable.  
“Here!” Michael offered his big, soft, red hoodie to Jeremy. It was comforting and he knew it.   
“But…” Jeremy looked apprehensive. Michael shrugged.  
“Gives me a chance to steal one of yours,” Michael reasoned.  
“Mine are too small for you,” Jeremy said, but he took the hoodie anyway and pulled it on like a life jacket.  
“Only some of them, you like to buy them three sizes too big so I have faith at least one will fit,” Michael smiled as he saw his partner in his hoodie. Jeremy always looked wonderful in Michael’s hoodie. It passed Jeremy’s butt, effectively making it a nightgown, and the sleeves gave Jeremy sweater paws that he flapped around subconsciously. Michael loved it.   
“Thank you,” Jeremy said sincerely. And then, “I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t be,” Michael said, and he sounded like he meant it, but Jeremy couldn’t be sure. “What kind of partner would I be if I didn’t nurse my beautiful boy back to health?” Michael wasn’t joking but Jeremy laughed and rolled his eyes anyway. Michael cheered internally. He missed that smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos and all that make me very happy so don't forget to leave them if you enjoy my work


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